Great Moments in the News: Onion Sandwiches

February 1st, 2010

Filed Under: ham, mayonnaise, miscellaneous with 0 Comments

Today, in The Onion:

Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich

FEBRUARY 1, 2010

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated upcoming sandwich, which sources said is still in the early stages of development. The on-bread reunion will be the first time the popular duo has teamed up since costarring in a widely acclaimed Italian grinder in 2009. Recent kitchen reports stated that the sandwich itself was almost abandoned when it appeared that a prior commitment to star in a low-budget chicken salad might have rendered Mayonnaise unavailable. Sources would not confirm rumors that Shredded Lettuce and Melted Provolone are also involved, but confirmed that, despite early interest, Ketchup just wasn’t right for the project.

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Fly the bland skies

July 29th, 2009

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Blandwich

After the sandwich I ate on my previous flight, I had high hopes for this next one. Unfortunately, the memory delightful blend of flavors in that sandwich just made the blandness of this one more unbearable. Ham, swiss, and bread. The bread was basically sawdust with some rolled oats on top — and it was the most flavorful part of the sandwich.

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Ham and Law

April 21st, 2009

Filed Under: ham, mayonnaise, mustard with 0 Comments

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In half an hour, I’ll have a three-hour essay exam that will be the sole determining factor for my grade in a three-credit class. Thankfully, I had the foresight to pack a sandwich of baked Virginia ham on a delectable seven-grain sourdough. So even if I can’t remember whether Congress is permitted to effectively conscript state executive officers into enforcing its laws (it isn’t), at least I won’t be lacking for nutrition.

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A New Sandwich for America

January 20th, 2009

Filed Under: ham, mayonnaise, münster, mustard with 0 Comments

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A veritable shitload of people gathered on and around the National Mall today, to celebrate the inauguration of a new President. Some waited for hours in the bitter cold or drove from hundreds of miles away; others were lucky enough to arrive and find a place to stand fifteen minutes before the ceremonies started. People of every race, creed, and color were standing together, united in one common trait — hunger.

Seriously, though, I knew I’d be standing out there a long time. So I brought sandwiches.

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Black Forest

December 8th, 2007

Filed Under: cheese, ham, mustard with 0 Comments

Black Forest Ham

In Europe, “Black Forest ham” is a protected term indicative of a particular geographical origin and method of preparation: the name is applied only to those hams from Germany’s Black Forest region that have been cured and cold smoked with a distinctive flavoring.

In the United States, on the other hand, there are no such restrictions on the use of the term—but it’s still delicious.

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Scrambled eggs and ham

October 27th, 2007

Filed Under: cheddar, ham, swiss, toasted with 0 Comments

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Got this at the municipal IHOP, because it was the most sandwichy thing on the menu. It’s quite breakfasty, mostly on account of the scrambled eggs, but it was perfectly fine for dinner as well. That said, my review of the sandwich is decidedly mixed. The combination of scrambled eggs and two kinds of melted cheese gave it a generally very goopy mouthfeel that the ham and bread did little to offset. Even worse, the bottom slice of toast was thoroughly soggy when it arrived, so it had clearly been sitting for a while before being brought out. Some of my complaints are directed towards the abstracted ideal of the sandwich, and some are directed towards the particular IHOP franchisee that served it to me, but it’s hard to tell exactly where to draw the line between them. The onion rings were fantastic, though.

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Pepper-ham

October 18th, 2007

Filed Under: ham, mustard, provolone with 1 Comment

Pepper-ham

This is another sandwich precipitated by the purchase of the rye loaf mentioned previously. In this case, the meat was a similar impulse buy. I like ham [1] and I really like pepper [2], so pepper-encrusted ham seemed like a natural choice. Can’t say I regret it in the least.

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[1] And who doesn’t like ham? Besides Jains, Jews, Muslims, Seventh-day Adventists and Rastafarians, I mean.

[2] I’ve pissed a lot of people off by indulging in one of my favorite beverages, piprapiim (‘peppermilk’). I came up with it myself, and nobody else likes it. Which is fine, because there’s more for me that way.

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The Count

June 3rd, 2007

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Monte Cristo

I ordered this because I didn’t know what it was, and because Google changed the syntax on the Google SMS search. It used to be you could send an SMS that said, for example, d monte cristo sandwich and you’d get a useful result. Apparently nowadays you have to spell out define instead of d, or you get a response along the lines of “Huh?”

It was at this point that my cellphone decided that it wasn’t getting any signal after all (thanks, T-Mobile) so I was out of even rudimentary contact with the internet. And, of course, I wasn’t about to ask the waitress what the hell a Monte Cristo was.

In short, I don’t regret having gotten this sandwich, since one must always keep an open mind and it’s nice to try new things. That said, I have no desire to ever eat another one of these so long as I live, because it was absolutely disgusting. Apparently meat and cheese don’t go very well with French toast.

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Mass-produced love

May 31st, 2007

Filed Under: ham, lettuce, mayonnaise, onion, provolone, tomato with 0 Comments

Subway BMT

A perfectly competent sandwich, if nothing particularly special. Made on an assembly line.

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Inauguration

May 27th, 2007

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Ham and cheese sandwich

Now that we finally have this long-anticipated blog up and running, it’s only fitting to christen it appropriately. Shown above is a ham and cheese sandwich I made to commemorate this momentous occasion. It was tasty, but unfortunately it’s been a while since I refilled my bread supply and I had to use one of the ends of the loaf.

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