Great Moments in the News: Onion Sandwiches

February 1st, 2010

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Today, in The Onion:

Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich

FEBRUARY 1, 2010

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lunch insiders confirmed rumors Monday that Mayonnaise and Black Forest Ham would share top billing in a highly anticipated upcoming sandwich, which sources said is still in the early stages of development. The on-bread reunion will be the first time the popular duo has teamed up since costarring in a widely acclaimed Italian grinder in 2009. Recent kitchen reports stated that the sandwich itself was almost abandoned when it appeared that a prior commitment to star in a low-budget chicken salad might have rendered Mayonnaise unavailable. Sources would not confirm rumors that Shredded Lettuce and Melted Provolone are also involved, but confirmed that, despite early interest, Ketchup just wasn’t right for the project.

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Great Moments in Science: Fresh Sandwiches for Sale

October 15th, 2009

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From Popular Mechanics magazine, back in 1922:

Not only would that machine sell you a sandwich, but the sandwich might actually be fresh. Apparently the 1920s were more technologically advanced than the 31st century will be, at least as far as sandwich-vending-machine safety goes. If only Fry had had access to a refrigerated sandwich, he might never have learned to play the holophonor.

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Great Moments in Literature: The Red Sandwich of Courage

December 8th, 2007

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From Chapter III of Stephen Crane’s The Red Badge of Courage:

The youth had been taught that a man became another thing in battle. He saw his salvation in such a change. Hence this waiting was an ordeal to him. He was in a fever of impatience. He considered that there was denoted a lack of purpose on the part of the generals. He began to complain to the tall soldier. “I can’t stand this much longer,” he cried. “I don’t see what good it does to make us wear out our legs for nothin’.” He wished to return to camp, knowing that this affair was a blue demonstration; or else to go into a battle and discover that he had been a fool in his doubts, and was, in truth, a man of traditional courage. The strain of present circumstances he felt to be intolerable.

The philosophical tall soldier measured a sandwich of cracker and pork and swallowed it in a nonchalant manner. “Oh, I suppose we must go reconnoitering around the country jest to keep ’em from getting too close, or to develop ’em, or something.”

“Huh!” said the loud soldier.

“Well,” cried the youth, still fidgeting, “I’d rather do anything ‘most than go tramping ’round the country all day doing no good to nobody and jest tiring ourselves out.”

“So would I,” said the loud soldier. “It ain’t right. I tell you if anybody with any sense was a-runnin’ this army it—”

“Oh, shut up!” roared the tall private. “You little fool. You little damn’ cuss. You ain’t had that there coat and them pants on for six months, and yet you talk as if—”

“Well, I wanta do some fighting anyway,” interrupted the other. “I didn’t come here to walk. I could ‘ave walked to home—’round an’ ’round the barn, if I jest wanted to walk.”

The tall one, red-faced, swallowed another sandwich as if taking poison in despair.

But gradually, as he chewed, his face became again quiet and contented. He could not rage in fierce argument in the presence of such sandwiches. During his meals he always wore an air of blissful contemplation of the food he had swallowed. His spirit seemed then to be communing with the viands.

“He could not rage in fierce argument in the presence of such sandwiches.” I think that’s all that needs saying.

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Sandwich write-off

November 15th, 2007

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Apparently a blog named “Right Behind” recently had a sandwich-themed event:

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to write a manual or guide of no more than 500 and no less than 300 words describing the procedures involved in preparing a sandwich of your choice. You are to restrict your entry to the task of preparing the aforementioned sandwich from assembling the ingredients to serving the final product on a plate or other equivalent vessel.

The event’s now over with, but you can read the entries either at the link above or by clicking here, here, here, here, and here. Unfortunately I found out about this too late to enter, or even to vote, but for the record, I would have voted for the Narnia one.

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