My displeasure has a first name

August 25th, 2015

Filed Under: mayonnaise, meat, miscellaneous, mustard with 0 Comments

Quote-unquote "Roast Beef"

I made the mistake of buying prepackaged sandwich meat in an opaque package. It claimed to be “slow-roasted roast beef”. But to paraphrase Lloyd Bentsen: I have served roast beef. I know roast beef. Roast beef is a friend of mine. Sir, you’re no roast beef.

Upon opening the package, I had a number of thoughts running through my head all at once. For example: “Huh, slices of roast beef aren’t usually completely round.” “This looks like baloney, or possibly bologna, but with gristle, or possibly imitation gristle.” “What’s that smell?” and many others.

But upon tasting a slice, I had only these two thoughts: first, that I had a lot of sympathy for Fry’s remark that “That’s the saltiest thing I’ve ever tasted. And I once ate a big, heaping bowl of salt!”; second, that I was definitely going to have to reference this post, because that pretzel-and-jerky concoction was much less salty than this.

I was foolish enough to think that maybe it wouldn’t taste quite so bad slathered in condiments and between bread. I was wrong. I was foolish enough to think that maybe a rooftop view of a major American city would maybe distract me from the taste. Wrong again. Maybe I should have just flung it over the edge.

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Non-perishable sandwich

August 28th, 2007

Filed Under: beef, jerky, pretzels with 0 Comments

non-perishable sandwich

This sandwich was definitely the driest and saltiest sandwich I’ve ever eaten. I have likely eaten a sandwich that was drier, probably based around matzoh, Finn Crisp, or some other thoroughly dehydrated flatbread; and I have also likely eaten a sandwich that was saltier, probably involving herring or some other fish. I’m pretty sure, though, that the combination of dryness and saltiness you get when you combine pretzels and jerky is one for the record books.

It’s also, interestingly enough, a very tasty and satisfying sandwich, even for such a tiny package. Just as long as you have a beverage to wash it down with.

This pretzel-and-jerky monstrosity was created and consumed somewhere in the middle of nowhere in a Utah desert, hundreds of miles from civilization. If kept in a dry place, it would have stayed edible for months, making it the perfect ration food. However, the quartermaster, navigator, and skipper of our crew were going 80 miles an hour down the interstate at the time of the sandwich’s production, and were not overly concerned with saving food. Quite the opposite, in fact; the jumbo-size jug of pretzels was far larger than the journey required.

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